


The Ex-Boyfriend Impasse

by MeganWrites



Series: Rod of Asclepius [8]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 06:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4127770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeganWrites/pseuds/MeganWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Ian feels like he’s been hollowed out. It doesn’t hurt, or burn, or ache - it’s just nothing, just empty."</p><p>Ian is a nervous medical intern, Mickey is a grumpy nurse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ex-Boyfriend Impasse

**Author's Note:**

> That didn't take too long... right? Alright, maybe it took some time.

Ian feels like he’s been hollowed out.

It doesn’t hurt, or burn, or ache - it’s just nothing, just empty.

He hasn’t seen Mickey since he yelled at him, not even a glimpse of him in the hallways, and it terrifies Ian to think that might have been the last time he’s spoken to Mickey. He hates that it might have been such bitter and cruel words that Mickey is left with for a memory of Ian.

But then again, Mickey did start it. It’s not an excuse, Ian knows that, but that doesn’t stop it from being true.

He just wishes he could talk to Mickey, sort whatever happened out and then move on or move forward. He doubts there is a forward anymore though, Mickey made it painfully clear he wasn’t interested in moving forward, or on, or anywhere that Ian is involved anymore. Ian should’ve known better. Mickey seemed too good to be true and yet for some reason Ian let himself believe that Mickey was.

He needs to stop lying to himself.

“It’s not going to kill you to smile when he’s not in the same damn room, you know?”

Ian looks up from where he’s idly picking at his crummy cafeteria food with a plastic fork seeing Dana dropping heavily into the chair opposite to the table of him. Ian briefly considers that the cafeteria at work might not be the best place to throw his pity party.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ian murmurs, it even sounds fake to his own ears.

“We’re really still doing this?” Dana questions, arms crossed over her chest with a judgmentally gaze.

Ian sighs and drops his fork, leaning back in his chair, “Fine, but it’s not my fault if he’s pissed at you later.”

“Honey, if you think I tease you, you should hear how often I tease him about this.”

Ian frowns and looks down at the sad mix of food on his tray, “He told me that no one could know.”

Dana reaches over the table and puts her hand over Ian’s, it’s warm and comforting, “He didn’t tell me, but we’ve been working together for just about six years now, you pick up on some things without needing to be told.”

Ian nods, it makes sense he supposes but it does make him a little jealous to think that Dana might privy to information that has been so hidden from Ian, especially now.

“He ended things,” Ian says quietly, not sure why he’s telling her but thinking that maybe it’s something he needs to do.

“Because of what you said to him?”

Ian looks up at her guiltily, remembering that his insult to Mickey was also an insult to her, “I’m sorry,” He mumbles, “I didn’t mean it. I was so mad at him, I didn’t even think.”

“It’s alright, honey, no offense taken,” She squeezes his hand and smiles warmly, “Heartbreak manifests in different ways.”

Heartbreak, yeah, that’s probably the best description for what Ian is feeling right now.

“He’s avoiding me,” Ian adds and runs his free hand through his hair, “And I don’t know if I think I deserve it or not. God, it’s so fucked up.”

Dana nods and hums, “He’s just taking some time off right now, not sure where he went, but he’ll be back sometime next week.”

It’s strange how suddenly Ian starts to feel better. Just knowing that Mickey is coming back is enough to make him feel something other than total and complete desolation.

“Now I’ve got a patient for you doctor,” Dana squeezes his hand one last time and lets go, “Mickey’s brother, Iggy, is asking for you.”

Ian’s eyes widen and he almost shakes his head, he’s not sure that the solution to trying to function happily without Mickey is spending time with another Milkovich.

“I know you don’t want to, but Mickey’s out of town and he asked for you by name,” Dana says and watches Ian carefully, “Come on, Doctor, it’s your job.”

Ian swallows and nods, standing up and silently praying that Mickey hasn’t actually said anything to his sibling about their fight (or fights, he’s still not sure if it was two fights or just one really long one).

 

-

 

Iggy is grabbing Ian’s arm as soon as he sees him and dragging him to a nearby room, mouth running at a million miles per minute, and Ian can’t figure out exactly what seems to be wrong.

“Whoa, wait, hang on a second,” Ian pries away from Iggy’s grip and stops the determined walk through the hall, “What happened? Are you alright? Why are you out of your room?”

“S’not for me, Doc,” Iggy answers, giving Ian a bewildered look leading Ian to think that Iggy’s already told him this, “Mandy’s got a fucked up leg you gotta look at.”

Ian nods and follows Iggy once again. His hand is beginning to twitch nervously; he vaguely remembers a brief time when Mickey talked about his younger sister Mandy, which means that instead of one Milkovich that he isn’t sure he should be spending time around, he is now going to be seeing two Milkoviches.

When they walk into the room Ian is forced to revise his thoughts again. There’s another surly guy standing next to the bed Mandy is lying in; he’s blonde but has the same general facial features and ‘FUCK U-UP’ tattoos on his knuckles.

It’s like walking into the lion’s den.

“This the Doctor?” The other Milkovich brother asks, eying Ian up and down.

Iggy nods and goes to stand next to his brother, “Yeah, yeah, this is, uh, Doctor Gallagher?”

“You can just call me Ian,” Ian corrects, reaching for the clipboard on the end of Mandy’s bed.

“Cool,” Iggy says and points to his brother, “This is Colin and that’s Mandy.”

Ian smiles politely at both siblings, “Nice to meet you.” He scans Mandy’s chart and looks back at the bed, “It says here that you fell?”

“Yes,” Mandy hisses, baring her teeth and looking more terrifying than Ian can imagine any of her brothers being.

“You can fix her up for free, right?” Colin asks, only to be loudly smacked by Iggy.

“The fuck did I say about being cool?”

“Yeah, but he fixed you up for, Mick, right? That’s why we asked for him.”

“Mick’s not here though, we gotta be fuckin’ smart about it.”

“Holy fuck,” Mandy snaps, cutting off the bickering between her brothers, “You’re both fucking idiots, go the fuck away and we’ll deal with money later!”

Iggy and Colin both shuffle away and out of the room, one muttering, “She’s a bitch when she’s hurt,” and the other, “Fuckin’ best of luck to you, Doc.”

Ian’s relieved once they're both gone, feeling a little more in control of his situation when he’s not surrounded by the family of someone who may or may not want to kick his ass.

“Sorry about them,” Mandy says, her temper seeming to have calmed a bit, “you don’t have to ‘scam the system’ or whatever the fuck it is that Mickey does for us, I can pay it back.”

Ian smiles and shrugs as he rolls up Mandy’s left pant leg enough to get a look at the affected area. “I get it,” he says, “My family didn’t have insurance for a long time, it’s hard for families struggling on the Southside.”

Mandy winces when Ian presses on her leg, “And what would a smoking hot Doctor know about the Southside?”

Ian laughs lightly at the compliment, feeling more and more eased by Mandy’s presence, “I’m from the Southside, actually.”

“No fucking way, no wonder Mick got you to help Iggy out,” Mandy says and grimaces when she accidently moves her leg, “Fuck me, this hurts like a bitch.”

Ian chuckles and drops his hands from Mandy’s leg, “It’s always a good sign when it hurts though, much worse when it doesn’t.”

Mandy glares at Ian and crosses her arms, she looks a lot like Mickey when she does it: stubborn and petulant and pretty damn adorable. Ian’s a little charmed by her, not in the way he is by Mickey, but he finds himself drawn to her all the same. He thinks he might have a weakness for Milkoviches - well, he thinks about Iggy and Colin and decides that it’s probably just the two Milkoviches, maybe not all of them.

“If you think that makes me feel better, you’re wrong,” Mandy tells him, a hint of a growl to her voice.

Ian laughs lowly, “Yeah, sorry.” He picks up Mandy’s chart and scribbles a few things in. Mandy’s leg is definitely broken, possibly in two places and hopefully it’s just a closed fracture but it’s hard to tell by just feeling around her leg.

“So, you and Mick,” Mandy begins, propping herself up on her elbows, “are you two close?”

Ian tried to keep his expression neutral, ignoring the nervous thumping in his chest at the mention of Mickey’s name. Ian’s not sure how to answer the question anymore. He used to think they were close but now he thinks that might be an overstatement.

“We hang out,” Ian settles on the answer and hopes that it’s enough to warrant a change in topic.

“Outside of work?”

Ian hesitates, “Sometimes.”

“So, you’re friends,” Mandy says it like it’s a fact and not a question, Ian thinks about answering anyways and telling her she’s wrong. Even if Mickey called him a friend before he thinks that’s probably be ruined at this point. Before he can say anything, or even consider what he would really say, Mandy continues, “Mickey’s never had many friends, or any friends other than maybe our idiot brothers,” She rolls her eyes in the direction of the hallway before turning back to Ian and smiling, “He must like you.”

It’s the perfect opportunity to tell her she’s wrong and that Mickey couldn’t care less about Ian, instead he says, “I guess.”

“I know he comes off like an asshole and he kind of is one, but that’s just how he does emotions,” Mandy explains, “I mean, after a childhood like ours there isn’t really a way around that.”

“You mean with your dad?” Ian asks, only second guessing himself when he sees Mandy’s eyes widening.

“He told you about Terry?”

Ian scratches the back of his neck, suddenly feeling very hot and shy, “Just a bit, I guess.”

Mandy snorts and drops back down to rest her head against the scratchy uncomfortable pillows, “He likes you more than I thought, Mick never talks to anyone about that stuff, not even with me.”

“He didn’t say much-” Ian tries to argue, only to be cut off sharply by Mandy.

“But he said something, that’s pretty fucking significant.”

Ian presses his lips tightly together and nods. He’s not sure what to think of what Mandy’s saying because every word seems to point to Mickey caring about Ian, but he can’t forget the words Mickey said. Ian told Mickey that he loved him and Mickey basically told Ian to fuck off. That doesn’t seem much like some who cares, no matter what Mandy says about how Mickey ‘does emotions’.

“So, what’s the verdict?” Mandy asks, motioning back to her leg, “Are you gonna have to cut it off?”

Ian shakes his head and half-smiles at the joke, even as his mood continues to creep slowly downwards, “It’s definitely broken but I’m going to have to take you to get an x-ray, just to check the severity. I’ve just got to go make sure there’s time to squeeze you in and then I’ll be right back.”

Mandy huffs out a deep breath of air and nods, “Alright, can you send douchebag one and two back in on your way out?”

“Sure,” Ian says and walks out of the room feeling more uneasy than he had going in.

 

-

 

The x-ray showed one closed fracture in her tibia, luckily just a simple fix with a cast and no surgery required (if it had been two fractures Mandy may have been faced with the need to reset the bone). Ian explained to Mandy how lucky she was, set her in the wheelchair and started rolling her off to get a cast.

Mandy’s sitting in the wheelchair, tapping her fingers on the armrest as Ian pushes her through the halls. Each tap weighs heavily on Ian’s mind, as if it’s slowly drawing him out to ask the questions that are burning through his mind.

Ian’s been thinking about his earlier conversation with Mandy the entire afternoon, he feels like there’s something there that he’s missing - some key element that will tell him for sure whether Mickey really cares or not. But then there’s another side, the one holding him back from asking, telling him that he already knows the answer and he just doesn’t like it.

He wants more but at the same time he’s not sure he could stand to hear more if it was that Mickey doesn’t care about him.

They make it to the elevator before he cracks.

“Does Mickey date much?”

Mandy raises an eyebrow and turns in the chair to look up at Ian. She has a small, sly smile when she says, “No, not really.”

Ian nods, “So you never met any, uhm, significant others?”

“Significant others? What are you ninety?” Mandy mocks and snickers, “No, Mickey doesn’t really do that shit. He’s got a fairly fucking serious aversion to any type of relationship he would actually enjoy.”

Ian feels his chest growing heavy and his throat feels thick and swollen. He doesn’t really know what to say or how to feel, he just knows that if he thought he couldn’t feel worse than he did this morning and he was wrong. “Oh,” He mutters softly.

Mandy sighs, a little sadly, “It would be such a huge fucking shock if he ever actually had a relationship, never mind one that’s fucking healthy.”

Ian doesn’t say anything for a long moment, averts his gaze from Mandy and watches as the numbers light up one by one, indicating the floors they’re going past.

“Ian?” Mandy says, drawing Ian back to meet her eyes.

Ian lets out a shaky breath, “That really true?”

Mandy’s eyes soften as she watches him, the realization dawning over her, “Oh Ian, shit, I’m sorry.”

Ian shakes his head and swallows, “It’s nothing.”

Mandy reaches back to put her hand over Ian’s, squeezing it gently, “You’re not just his friend, are you?” Ian doesn’t answer and Mandy seems to take that as confirmation. “Look, Ian, our dad - fucking Terry - he is a homophobic piece of shit and from what you know about him, I’m guessing you can figure out how well that worked out for Mickey. There’s shit I can’t tell you, but we all found out about Mickey just before Terry went to prison this last time, Terry included. And even though Mickey’s got his own place and Terry’s too fucking lazy to look for him, it’s fucking scary.” Mandy pauses, “What I said earlier, about him caring about you, that’s still true. The fact that he even talks about you to me or Iggy or Colin, shit, that’s huge. I don’t think you really get how rare that is for Mickey, he doesn’t let people in easily but once he does - you’re in. Whatever happened to make your face look like that,” She pokes at the corner of Ian’s lips, pulling at his frown, “He still fucking cares about you, that’s not going away, not ever.”

Ian wants to tell Mandy about what happened, finding that even though he’s only known her for an afternoon he already trusts her. He figures she’s one of those people, the kind that you can talk to for a second and know that you are just destined to be friends. The elevator doors open before he has a chance, letting in a small crowd of people as Ian rolls Mandy out into the corridor.

He doesn’t ask about Mickey for the rest of the day, just casts Mandy’s legs and helps her back to her brothers, waving as they leave the hospital and giving Mandy a private thankful smile.

 

-

 

Mickey comes back to the hospital the next week and it’s worse than Ian expected.

He’s polite, courteous, and professional.

It’s like nothing has ever happened between them and Ian’s heart breaks a little more each time Mickey calls him Doctor Gallagher or thanks him for his assistance.

At least when Mickey was mad at Ian he still felt something for Ian, now Ian just tries in vain to remind himself of Mandy’s words because otherwise he wouldn’t make it through the day.

 

-

 

The month after Mickey comes back goes by slowly and painfully. Ian aches every time he sees Mickey but keeps his distance. He’s learned his lesson and if Mickey doesn’t want anything to do with Ian then fine, Ian will leave him alone.

But it hurts so fucking much.

 

-

 

Ian has a patient, Mr. Coleman, come in with an incredibly severe case of pneumonia. Ian starts treatment immediately. He stays in the hospital for three days working to save Mr. Coleman’s life, and for those first three days he isn’t even sure he can. On the fourth day, finally, he sees improvement and two days after that Mr. Coleman is steadily on his way to a full recovery.

The joy on his wife and children’s faces is enough to make Ian feel happy for the first time in what feels like ages.

It’s short lived when two days later he’s paged to Mr. Coleman’s room and told he is coding. Ian rushes into the room, finds Mr. Coleman unconscious with an intern doing compressions on his chest and a nurse pumping air into his lungs. The intern (Ian thinks her name might be Jen Fisher but he’s not really sure) tells him that it seems like cardiac arrest.

“What the fuck are you doing then?!” Ian snaps loudly and jumps into action grabbing the defibrillators, charges to two hundred, and sends the shock through him. When nothing changes he ups the charge and tries again, then once more after.

But it’s too late. Mr. Coleman has long since flat lined and Ian has lost his patient. Ian drops his head and holds out the paddles to the nearest nurse.

“Time of death, 4:19,” and then he’s out of the room like a shot.

 

-

 

Ian’s attending, Doctor Samuels, pulls him aside later that afternoon. Ian can barely pay attention after he hears the words, “It was a misdiagnosis.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind he must be listening because he still gets the basics of what Doctor Samuels is saying. Mr. Coleman came in with what seemed to be a case of pneumonia but the bigger, prevailing problem was a blood clot - a pulmonary embolism most likely - and Ian had missed it.

Then Doctor Samuels explains that the family is privy to the information, that they might try to sue for malpractice but it’s a minor case and the hospital has his back. He explains that these things happens, even to the best of doctors.

“It’s not your fault, you did everything you could.”

Except he didn’t, did he? Otherwise Mr. Coleman would still be alive. He was rushed and made a quick decision without looking deeper when he should have.

Ian nods and rushes away as quickly as he can manage, luckily Doctor Samuels seems to understand that he doesn’t want to talk. Ian hurries down the hall, clenching and unclenching his fists to try and keep himself steady - just for a few more steps.

He finds a storage closet and hides inside, dropping to the floor next to the metal shelves as soon as the door closes. He thinks he might cry, thinks he might be crying already, but mostly all he can feel are the dry, harsh gasps he’s taking. He feels like a failure, feels like he can’t breathe, and feels like he can’t do anything.

He knows what this is, knows why it’s happening, but he also knows that the last two times Mickey was there to help him. Now he doesn’t have Mickey, he doesn’t have anyone.

He thinks about counting but gives up on that quickly, it never helped much anyways. Instead he tries to let Doctor Samuels’s words repeat and echo in his mind.

_It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault._

_You did everything you could._

He doesn’t believe it.

He closes his eyes and decides to try something different. He thinks about his childhood, remembers a time that he was walking home from his first day of school with Lip and Fiona. Ian had just started kindergarten, Lip was in his first grade and Fiona in her fifth. The whole walk Lip was bragging about how he already knew all these things the teacher was trying to teach them, explaining to Fiona how much smarter he was than all the other kids. Ian was upset because he wanted to tell Fiona about his first day, how he had painted a picture and the teacher had hung it up on the board.

After stewing the whole walk home he finally lost his temper when they reached the front door and he shoved Lip. Lip was bigger and stronger then so when he shoved back, Ian fell and tumbled down the steps. Fiona had screamed and yelled, especially when she saw the Ian couldn’t move his left arm. Nearly six hours later they were leaving the hospital with Ian’s arm in cast and a huge medical bill being sent to their parents.

The doctors had had to cut open his arm to reset the bones and Ian still had the long scar.

He’s breathing is more regular now, he still feels tense and broken apart but he can breathe. The memory enough to calm him down and let his brain rest for a second.

It was his fault and he didn’t do everything he could. He knows that he didn’t and he knows that he should have done more tests before settling on a diagnosis but at the time he needed to make a quick decision and he gave Mr. Coleman five more days of life that he wouldn’t have had without any treatment.

This might be the worst part about being a doctor but Ian knows that it’s a part of being a doctor. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just that making a mistake as a doctor can be deadly.

The door bursts open then and Mickey’s looking around frantically until his eyes settle on Ian. He drops to his knees quickly and puts a hand on Ian’s cheek and his other hand over one of Ian’s. His eyes are wide and filled with worry as they search Ian’s for signs of panic.

“You’re okay,” Mickey insists, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Ian, you’re okay.”

Ian swallows, his throat feels dry and scratchy when he says, “I know, I’m okay.”

Mickey’s eyebrows crease and he looks so fucking relieved that Ian can’t believe this is the same guy who’s barely spared him a second glance for the past month.

“Yeah?” Mickey asks, a lilt to his voice.

“Yeah.”

Ian drags his thumb across Mickey’s pointer finger on the hand that’s holding his. Touching Mickey feels like breathing again, like coming home, he doesn’t know how he’s gone so long without this. Even through all the time that he’s tried to move, tried to forget, he still loves Mickey so much.

“You’re here,” Ian says quietly, afraid to shatter the fragile the moment but unable to stop himself.

“I heard and I knew you would be, you know,” Mickey presses his lips together and looks down at his knees, “Just thought I’d look for you.”

Ian smiles, just slightly, and leans into Mickey’s palm that’s still pressed against his cheek. “You were worried about me,” Ian says, “You still care about me.”

Mickey doesn’t look up or responded but the way his fingers tight around Ian’s says more than enough. Ian hasn’t forgotten how to understand Mickey’s language through subtle touches and words.

“I met Mandy,” Ian starts quietly, “She told me that you used to tell her and your brothers about me, that you had never done that for anyone else, that you still cared about me.” He lifts Mickey’s hand up carefully and kisses his knuckles lightly, “She was right, wasn’t she?”

“Ian-”

“Do you love me?”

Mickey doesn’t speak, doesn’t move, and doesn’t look up. Ian knows this is what pushed Mickey away the first time and that he’s probably just going to push him even further away now, but he can’t continue to be less than he wants anymore.

“You don’t have to say yes,” Ian adds quietly, “Just don’t say no.”

Mickey finally looks up and his eyes look damp and red rimmed, like he’s holding back tears with everything he’s got. He sniffs and pulls back from Ian, standing and going to the door without saying a word. 

It isn’t until Mickey has a hand on the doorknob that he turns and says, “I was with Samuels when he talked to the family, they don’t blame you, Ian, so you shouldn’t either.”

Ian gives him a small nod, “Okay.”

Mickey doesn’t leave yet, stays standing and clutching the door, watching Ian sadly when he quietly adds, “I’m sorry.”

Then he swings open the door and walks into the hall.

**Author's Note:**

> Remember when this series was super fluffy? Oops.
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr :)](http://meganwwrites.tumblr.com)


End file.
